Bringing in the New Year Right!

New Year’s Resolutions for 2010

1. Pay off 3 of my credit cards and close them!
a. American Eagle
b. Victoria’s Secret
c. Old Navy
2. Stick to STRICT Budget
a. Take out $200 in cash each month and do not use debit card!
b. Start a savings account in March with leftover funds($200-$300)
3. Eat healthier
a. Grocery shop once a week for breakfast/lunch food
b. Avoid fast food/ soda
4. Work out at least 3 days per week
a. Aim for more than 3 days
i. Mon & Wed: Cardio
ii. Tues & Thurs: Strength Train!!
iii. Saturday: BOTH
b. Keep track of calories burned on spreadsheet
5. Lose weight
a. Lose 30lbs by June 1st, 2010.
i. Starting Weight: 206; Goal Weight: 176
1. Approx 5lbs per month; 1.25lbs per week
b. Lose 50lbs by January 1st, 2011.
i. Starting Weight: 206; Goal Weight: 156
1. Approx 4.2lbs per month; 1.1lbs per week
6. Read more!
a. Aim for one book a month
b. Read Bible at least once a week; one book per month
7. Keep room neat and organized
a. Laundry once/week
b. Dust once every other week
c. Vacuum once a week
d. Clean litter box twice a week
e. Clean bathroom once a week

Hilarious Outtakes

I love this week's I♥Faces contest(www.iheartfaces.com), Hilarious Outtakes. I have so many photos of my favorite people that are crazy and silly and I am so happy to finally have a chance to use them! So this is my official entry in this week's contest...


My beautiful sister Kaitlyn acting her usual silly self on Christmas day in the snow...

One of my fun babysitting nights with Carly and her siblings... (things can get a little crazy)

Gracie has some of the cutest dimples I have ever seen!

Jasmine is one of my favorite little people. We always have an awesome time together and she loves making me laugh; which is why I love these next two pictures so much...

AND...
(i'm not sure what she is doing because I told her to look at me and smile and she came up with this pose on her own...haha that's why I love her)

Rough time lately...

So recently I have been thinking a lot. A lot about my future; where I am going in life. In order to look at your future, though, you have to evaluate the path that has led to the present, in order to get to your future. I have been particularly concentrating on my relationships; the good, the bad, and the ugly.

One theme has remained the same; I was a significant part of their life. I was “one of the great” girls that formed their idea of what they will eventually end up with. The key word in that being was. I am a past, a no longer. Most of the men in my past, long after ending our relationship, have had a conversation with me that involved saying how fantastic I was and how I was one of the most important relationships in their life, and yet I am still the one standing alone. How is it that I am/was so fantastic and awesome but I still am ALONE?

I have even gone as far to look at myself and wonder what I have done wrong in EACH and EVERY single relationship. I am happy to say I have improved over time, and as of the most recent relationship I feel I could not have done anything else to save it. I did almost everything right and it still wasn’t enough.

So what is the purpose of all of this? Why even try? I have tried giving up. I have tried giving it all I have. I don’t really know what is wrong with me. I have tried being a good girl like I was taught to be. I have tried being the girl who “guys want girls to be”. I know what is right and wrong and ultimately I am TIRED. I am tired and hurt and alone. I am tired of being who everyone else wants me to be. I just want to be myself and finally have a man look at me and, despite all of my weirdness, say, “She is the single greatest thing in my life.” She is the ONE. I want him to say that and mean it with all of his heart. I am tired of lies. I am tired of seeing what other people have and longing for it.

I sound so pathetic and weak.

I feel a wall building around me and I am afraid it will get too high for anyone else to see my heart and know how much love is there to share. I am just afraid another hurt like the last will break me forever and I don’t want to be bitter. I try to be optimistic but this is crushing me little by little. All around me my friends are getting engaged and married and having babies. I am so unbelievably happy for them but I felt that was so close I could taste it six months ago and now it’s a far off dream. I am trying to be strong and act like seeing them and everyone be so happy and in love isn’t killing me but it is a little.