Sun is Shining and things are good...

Hello friends.. its been a little bit since I have updated this and so I am gonna take a little time and show you some new pictures I have taken recently. These are from a couple of weeks ago in Cape.  We have had some beautiful weather lately and so I have been in photo heaven!! This past weekend was Easter so my sister was in town. I love having her around even though she was grumpy most of the time:) 

Anyway, more updates and pictures to come....

Lonely but ok...

I am super super super lonely and bored with my life lately... I want to be skinny and tan and have all the boys chasing me or just one super nice, cute, level-headed one... Just one super cute boy chasing me would be just fine with me... I think being single would be a lot easier and a lot more fun if I had some friends that were single or at least wanted to hang out that were close enough so we could actually hang out more than once every other month...

I love my parents and like my co-workers but seriously... My life has come down to only speaking to those at work and my parents when I am at home.  I am antsy... Everyone around me is going on with life and enjoying it for the most part and I feel like I am in a stall pattern. My sister doesn't even want to talk to me. I know that's really not true and that she is busy with school but I don't even think she can use that as an excuse. I know my sister loves me but its really sucky when I think back to my favorite people and times in my life (because I have that much time on my hands these days) and realize every single person I cherish and love to be with the most have either moved away or pushed me away. Seriously??  Do I stink? I mean I thought I smelled pretty good most of the time. And I think I am pretty funny and most of the time I am pretty fun except when I just want to be a bum at home. Even then, I am pretty amusing. 

I keep trying to amuse myself by taking up new hobbies (which I LOVE) and creating new things to do with my free time but all I really want to do is hang out with Kaiti and Katie and have things be as crazy and fun as they used to be.  However, my own sister has better friends now who she would rather live near and hang out with. Katie lives 45 min away and is engaged and busy.  All are valid excuses and maybe I am just living in the past but I need a close friend. One who cares how my day was. One to cheer me up when I feel like crap (one thing I am working on not feeling).  I just think its pathetic for me to have no one to call when I get off work to hang out with if I don't feel like going home. Or someone to tell me to get off my ASS and stop feeding my face because I have a goal in mind. I am trying to be my own best friend and it works sometimes but I am an enabler for myself... I enable myself to sit on my butt and be lazy for an entire day. I enable myself to feel like I have no one. I know I am not a loser.  I am just so BORED!!

I need a new job. One that will make me enough money so I can move out.  I would even settle with a job in another town just so I could start over... I want to go to work feeling good about the work I am doing. I think the time I most felt like this was with the coffee shop. I am good at pleasing people with food.  I'm not sure how I could make that work now but its a good goal someday...

As this first year without Ryan comes to a close, I am actually doing alright. I am lonely because I don't have any friends but I feel ok when I talk to him. I miss Jasmine everyday and I keep her pictures at my desk as a constant reminder of what I initially made this move for.. to better our life...but now it is to better mine so someday when she is older she can have a good strong female role model she can look up to and come see... I am now more like her Aunt Meggie instead of her Meggie momma but I am ok with that because we are still buddies. 

Overall, I am ok. I need to stay focused on my weight loss and stop giving into whatever looks good in front of me. I think its because I am so bored and the way I have always coped with being bored and unsatisfied is to eat and satisfy myself that way. Its not an excuse but it is an explanation.  I have been going to the gym at least twice a week which isn't as much as I'd like but its a great routine I've started. Now that I am working ten hour days, it is hard for me to get into a new routine of going after work. I have Wednesdays and Saturdays and Sundays off now, which I have been utilizing to work out and relax but I have yet to go after work at 6:30.  I need to find a good routine so I can jump start the losing weight again.  I would like to lose 15 lbs before May 1st (which is Katie and Joe's Wedding Day!!)... I can make it happen; I just need to stay FOCUSED....

Does anyone want to be my friend??? :) I sound pathetic... oh well, at least I am learning a lot through books...

Mini FreakOUT!!

So I was just testing out my camera and what lens I wanted to use and had a mini freakout b/c my 50mm 1.4 lens wouldn’t work on my Pentax K20D… After a little panicked research on google, I found out my lens was not in auto mode… THANK THE LORD that was all that was wrong!! So thank you Pentax message boards for not allowing me to cry over a broken lens… I learn something new everyday!!!

I have to get this out...

So I kind of want to scream after the dream I just had... and since I am at work and can't do that I have to write this out really quick because it is really eating at me...

So I had a dream last night, actually early this AM and once again it had him in it. I have come to expect dreams involving him anytime I hear from him or see him. That isn't the part that was disturbing. This particular dream was more like a nightmare... I always thought him and I would have a baby. We would have had beautiful babies but that is besides the point.  In my dream I was in a hotel room, pregnant, and he was the father though we weren't together anymore. He was with Megan.  Why it had to be someone with my name I still don't know but he was with her and we both were pregnant.  Well, it turns out we were due around the same time and he chose to be with her.  Anyway, I was in this hotel room with my family when I went into labor and had this very tiny premature baby. When they handed her to me, (yes, I had a daughter) she was so tiny and scalding hot to the touch. The second they laid her in my arms she stopped crying and I felt every muscle in her body relax.. This dream felt REAL.. I named her Tessa. Anyway, I took a picture of her and sent it to him and got no response from him.

Well, in dreams time is never accurate, and I showed up at their door with Tessa (she was now walking), and he acted like I was a stranger and the world started to crumble, literally, and instead of being concerned with us all he cared about was Megan and her child and Jasmine...

WHAT THE HECK??? My mind is freaking irritating... Needless to say when I woke up I was confused and hurt again. I don't sit around and worry over him but apparently I have buried the hurt and feelings inside and they come out in dreams.

One good thing is that I have been thinking about baby names lately... NO I AM NOT PREGNANT... and I really like the name Tessa Leigh or Tessa Lynn... So one good thing out of that horrific dream was that I had a daughter and she was beautiful...

SNOW DAY!!!

I was blessed by a snow day today.. I have been hearing about all of this blizzard weather on the East Coast and it makes me wish I still lived there... Yes, I am a little crazy for missing the East for the massive snows, but I just love it so much.  I also miss my family there and I feel like I am missing out on getting to know each and everyone of them on a more personal level. I know family is family and they will be there to take me in when I visit but I wish I was able to develop a deeper level of relationship with them. I admire the people they are and feel so far away. This is probably more because I have lost so many family members within the past couple of years and I wish I would have had the chance to know them better.  I treasure the moments I had but it just seems like there just weren't enough.

Anyways, I don't want to be Debbie Downer:) I just enjoyed my snow day at home and finally got my camera out after several weeks of not picking it up. How am I supposed to keep learning and improving if I don't practice... Practice makes perfect!!! :) haha.. At least that's what my Dad always said.

I love how snow brings me back to the feelings of the holidays. All of that excitement... and I started cleaning up my room and organizing when I realized this guy was still out.. I just can't put him away for the year just yet...

Well here are some other pictures I took today outside.. It was soooo cold out!

 

 I have seen some improvement in my photography since I first started back in Oct. I am noticing the things I want to be in focus are and I don't have as many blurry shots. I still need to work on the head space and composition of my photos  (instead of having to go back and edit a lot of that out) but overall, I can tell I am doing better. I would really like to take a formal class sometime soon but all of the ones at the community college start on the normal schedule and they don't have just regular continuing ed classes. The classes offered at the place I got my camera are good but are only one hour classes and I don't think I learn well and retain what I have learned when its all thrown at me at once. I would love to find a college type class where there are assignments and hands on lectures and feedback. If you know of anything in the STL area please let me know... not that I have that many readers yet:)

And finally, this last picture reminds me of how I have felt lately.. I am the leaf frozen in time waiting for my life to defrost and start flowing again...

We Heart Kisses

Well this weeks challenge at is "We Heart Kisses"!!  I have the perfect picture that I absolutely adore... it features two of my loves, Jasmine and Parker:)

 

(go check out the rest of the awesome entries!)

Where I am right now...

 These lyrics speak to where I am in my life at this moment...


Ready To Love Again by Lady A
Seems like I was walking in the wrong direction
I barely recognize my own reflection, no
Scared of love but scared of life alone

Seems I've been playing on the safe side baby
Building walls around my heart to save me, oh
But it's time for me to let it go

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I afraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again

Just when we think that love will never find you
You runaway but still it's right behind you, oh
It's just something that you can't control

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I afraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again

So come and find me
I'll be waiting up for you
I'll be holding out for you tonight

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I afraid of the fall down

It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready, I'm ready to love again