Bringing in the New Year Right!

New Year’s Resolutions for 2010

1. Pay off 3 of my credit cards and close them!
a. American Eagle
b. Victoria’s Secret
c. Old Navy
2. Stick to STRICT Budget
a. Take out $200 in cash each month and do not use debit card!
b. Start a savings account in March with leftover funds($200-$300)
3. Eat healthier
a. Grocery shop once a week for breakfast/lunch food
b. Avoid fast food/ soda
4. Work out at least 3 days per week
a. Aim for more than 3 days
i. Mon & Wed: Cardio
ii. Tues & Thurs: Strength Train!!
iii. Saturday: BOTH
b. Keep track of calories burned on spreadsheet
5. Lose weight
a. Lose 30lbs by June 1st, 2010.
i. Starting Weight: 206; Goal Weight: 176
1. Approx 5lbs per month; 1.25lbs per week
b. Lose 50lbs by January 1st, 2011.
i. Starting Weight: 206; Goal Weight: 156
1. Approx 4.2lbs per month; 1.1lbs per week
6. Read more!
a. Aim for one book a month
b. Read Bible at least once a week; one book per month
7. Keep room neat and organized
a. Laundry once/week
b. Dust once every other week
c. Vacuum once a week
d. Clean litter box twice a week
e. Clean bathroom once a week

Hilarious Outtakes

I love this week's I♥Faces contest(www.iheartfaces.com), Hilarious Outtakes. I have so many photos of my favorite people that are crazy and silly and I am so happy to finally have a chance to use them! So this is my official entry in this week's contest...


My beautiful sister Kaitlyn acting her usual silly self on Christmas day in the snow...

One of my fun babysitting nights with Carly and her siblings... (things can get a little crazy)

Gracie has some of the cutest dimples I have ever seen!

Jasmine is one of my favorite little people. We always have an awesome time together and she loves making me laugh; which is why I love these next two pictures so much...

AND...
(i'm not sure what she is doing because I told her to look at me and smile and she came up with this pose on her own...haha that's why I love her)

Rough time lately...

So recently I have been thinking a lot. A lot about my future; where I am going in life. In order to look at your future, though, you have to evaluate the path that has led to the present, in order to get to your future. I have been particularly concentrating on my relationships; the good, the bad, and the ugly.

One theme has remained the same; I was a significant part of their life. I was “one of the great” girls that formed their idea of what they will eventually end up with. The key word in that being was. I am a past, a no longer. Most of the men in my past, long after ending our relationship, have had a conversation with me that involved saying how fantastic I was and how I was one of the most important relationships in their life, and yet I am still the one standing alone. How is it that I am/was so fantastic and awesome but I still am ALONE?

I have even gone as far to look at myself and wonder what I have done wrong in EACH and EVERY single relationship. I am happy to say I have improved over time, and as of the most recent relationship I feel I could not have done anything else to save it. I did almost everything right and it still wasn’t enough.

So what is the purpose of all of this? Why even try? I have tried giving up. I have tried giving it all I have. I don’t really know what is wrong with me. I have tried being a good girl like I was taught to be. I have tried being the girl who “guys want girls to be”. I know what is right and wrong and ultimately I am TIRED. I am tired and hurt and alone. I am tired of being who everyone else wants me to be. I just want to be myself and finally have a man look at me and, despite all of my weirdness, say, “She is the single greatest thing in my life.” She is the ONE. I want him to say that and mean it with all of his heart. I am tired of lies. I am tired of seeing what other people have and longing for it.

I sound so pathetic and weak.

I feel a wall building around me and I am afraid it will get too high for anyone else to see my heart and know how much love is there to share. I am just afraid another hurt like the last will break me forever and I don’t want to be bitter. I try to be optimistic but this is crushing me little by little. All around me my friends are getting engaged and married and having babies. I am so unbelievably happy for them but I felt that was so close I could taste it six months ago and now it’s a far off dream. I am trying to be strong and act like seeing them and everyone be so happy and in love isn’t killing me but it is a little.

Update time...

Its been a while since I have posted anything and so I thought I would get on here and give an update on my life... I don't have many readers but this is good for me to get it out so...here it goes:)

Well, work is the same.. boring as always. I wish I had the resources and client base to my photography full time. I am still learning though. I wish I could go back to school for this. I have always known I love photography but I never considered it for a career until now. I love capturing something other people look at and say "wow!" :)

My love life is also the same... I long for someone to call mine and who wants to call me his.. I want someone who has chosen me to wrap their arms around me and look me in the eyes and without a word, I'll know I am never going to be alone again... I am living in a dream world though and life is not a fairy tale...

~Autumn Beauty~

This is my very first entry into the I Heart Faces(www.iheartfaces.com) photo contests. It is kind of perfect because I was out on Saturday enjoying the beautiful weather with my favorite five year old:) This is her showing how insanely goofy and beautiful she is...

Peek-a-Boo

My new passion

Its been a little while but I am going in a million different directions... I am trying to make my dreams a reality. I got my first DSLR camera last week and can not wait to learn what all it can do! I am very eager to learn this new hobby and hope it will grow into a business that can prosper and I can enjoy. I think I did pretty good on my first time out. I think I have a pretty good eye for composition and what makes a good picture but its all of the technical things like FStops and all the tiny adjustments on this camera that are so confusing. I want to take a class but will have to wait for a bit until I can find some money for that. I already have some people asking me to take some shots of them for holidays and such... its a start!

Tomorrow starts the first day of my favorite month, OCTOBER!!! I just love the weather and the colors! Bonfires and sweaters! It is like the month that serves as the relaxation before the storm of the holidays that happen in the following months. Don't get me wrong, I love the holidays, but there is just something about October that makes me HAPPY.

Well, I am off to fix some dinner and relax with my book for a while.. by the way if you want a great read pick up Jodi Picoult's book Keeping Faith. It is very interesting and makes you think...

My Heart Hurts...

Today was an interesting day.. I woke up early because I went to bed early last night. I woke up to a text from someone special I have been trying to talk to but he always seems to be busy.. Stating simply "goodnight". Not sure where these random texts come from but it sure is a happy way to wake up. Kinda makes me feel like he was thinking about me.. Then again, I never get a text back when I actually text him so... who knows... all I really do know is I just recently realized how much I hate being single and how much I really do want to be loved. I mean I always knew how much I loved that feeling but until tonight and watching that movie... UH! If you are single and don't want to realize how painfully single you are DO NOT go watch The Proposal. Such a cute movie but man! I want to fall in love and have them fall for me too... I am ready. (Ryan Reynolds if you are out there and for some reason reading my blog... Come find me. I'll Say YES!!! lol... He is so freaking funny and SEXY!.. that's the best combination)

I know I whine a lot about how lonely I am but until tonight I didn't actually feel that bad as of recent. It just keeps hitting me in waves. I am a beautiful girl. I guess I have to start running so I can get that Sandra Bullock body but my extra cushioning is really the only thing that is wrong with me. I am beautiful, strong, nurturing, caring, giving, and surprising. I actually believe all of this now which I guess is what I have all of my past relationships to thank for. I am so tired of being alone and do NOT want to fool around with random guys to fill the void for one night. I am NOT that kind of girl nor do I want to become that kind of girl. I am the same good girl I have always been with a little experience in real life now. I know what love is and how it is supposed to feel. I am fully capable of loving with my entire heart and not only a portion until I am ready to move on. I am tired of moving on. I am ready to have the love of my life find me. Love is not a story solely for the movies. I know he is out there wanting me to. He just hasn't found me yet. So I am saying, I am here and waiting. I am ready whenever you are to take that leap of faith. And when you are ready, my arms are open wide to be your comfort and shelter. I'm not intense and crazy but I have an unending, unconditional love and when I give my heart the next time it will be the last.
I know this is a little intense and silly but I am tired of hurting and feeling sorry for myself. This isn't a plea but a promise. I am ready to fall hard into love for the last time and I won't hit rock bottom this time, because he will be there to catch me.