I have to get this out...

So I kind of want to scream after the dream I just had... and since I am at work and can't do that I have to write this out really quick because it is really eating at me...

So I had a dream last night, actually early this AM and once again it had him in it. I have come to expect dreams involving him anytime I hear from him or see him. That isn't the part that was disturbing. This particular dream was more like a nightmare... I always thought him and I would have a baby. We would have had beautiful babies but that is besides the point.  In my dream I was in a hotel room, pregnant, and he was the father though we weren't together anymore. He was with Megan.  Why it had to be someone with my name I still don't know but he was with her and we both were pregnant.  Well, it turns out we were due around the same time and he chose to be with her.  Anyway, I was in this hotel room with my family when I went into labor and had this very tiny premature baby. When they handed her to me, (yes, I had a daughter) she was so tiny and scalding hot to the touch. The second they laid her in my arms she stopped crying and I felt every muscle in her body relax.. This dream felt REAL.. I named her Tessa. Anyway, I took a picture of her and sent it to him and got no response from him.

Well, in dreams time is never accurate, and I showed up at their door with Tessa (she was now walking), and he acted like I was a stranger and the world started to crumble, literally, and instead of being concerned with us all he cared about was Megan and her child and Jasmine...

WHAT THE HECK??? My mind is freaking irritating... Needless to say when I woke up I was confused and hurt again. I don't sit around and worry over him but apparently I have buried the hurt and feelings inside and they come out in dreams.

One good thing is that I have been thinking about baby names lately... NO I AM NOT PREGNANT... and I really like the name Tessa Leigh or Tessa Lynn... So one good thing out of that horrific dream was that I had a daughter and she was beautiful...

SNOW DAY!!!

I was blessed by a snow day today.. I have been hearing about all of this blizzard weather on the East Coast and it makes me wish I still lived there... Yes, I am a little crazy for missing the East for the massive snows, but I just love it so much.  I also miss my family there and I feel like I am missing out on getting to know each and everyone of them on a more personal level. I know family is family and they will be there to take me in when I visit but I wish I was able to develop a deeper level of relationship with them. I admire the people they are and feel so far away. This is probably more because I have lost so many family members within the past couple of years and I wish I would have had the chance to know them better.  I treasure the moments I had but it just seems like there just weren't enough.

Anyways, I don't want to be Debbie Downer:) I just enjoyed my snow day at home and finally got my camera out after several weeks of not picking it up. How am I supposed to keep learning and improving if I don't practice... Practice makes perfect!!! :) haha.. At least that's what my Dad always said.

I love how snow brings me back to the feelings of the holidays. All of that excitement... and I started cleaning up my room and organizing when I realized this guy was still out.. I just can't put him away for the year just yet...

Well here are some other pictures I took today outside.. It was soooo cold out!

 

 I have seen some improvement in my photography since I first started back in Oct. I am noticing the things I want to be in focus are and I don't have as many blurry shots. I still need to work on the head space and composition of my photos  (instead of having to go back and edit a lot of that out) but overall, I can tell I am doing better. I would really like to take a formal class sometime soon but all of the ones at the community college start on the normal schedule and they don't have just regular continuing ed classes. The classes offered at the place I got my camera are good but are only one hour classes and I don't think I learn well and retain what I have learned when its all thrown at me at once. I would love to find a college type class where there are assignments and hands on lectures and feedback. If you know of anything in the STL area please let me know... not that I have that many readers yet:)

And finally, this last picture reminds me of how I have felt lately.. I am the leaf frozen in time waiting for my life to defrost and start flowing again...

We Heart Kisses

Well this weeks challenge at is "We Heart Kisses"!!  I have the perfect picture that I absolutely adore... it features two of my loves, Jasmine and Parker:)

 

(go check out the rest of the awesome entries!)

Where I am right now...

 These lyrics speak to where I am in my life at this moment...


Ready To Love Again by Lady A
Seems like I was walking in the wrong direction
I barely recognize my own reflection, no
Scared of love but scared of life alone

Seems I've been playing on the safe side baby
Building walls around my heart to save me, oh
But it's time for me to let it go

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I afraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again

Just when we think that love will never find you
You runaway but still it's right behind you, oh
It's just something that you can't control

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I afraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again

So come and find me
I'll be waiting up for you
I'll be holding out for you tonight

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I afraid of the fall down

It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready, I'm ready to love again

Blah...

That's the way I am feeling lately... I need a new direction. I am soo bored with my job. I know I am meant for more than this. I just need lots of prayers for the right direction and how to get on the right path. Thanks. That's all for now, GOODNIGHT! I will have more to write soon hopefully! Once I get out of this rut I will be taking more pictures to post as well...

Best Face Photo

This week's photo challenge at http://www.iheartfaces.com/ is my most recent "best face photo"... It just so happens that on Christmas day, I took my sister out in the blistering cold to get some beautiful pictures. She is so photogenic and was a wonderful subject. This one was right before we ventured out into the cold while primping in the bathroom...

Now, go check out all of the other entries in this week's contest at...

Long weekend

Have you ever taken days off for no reason? I did that this week and took Thursday and Friday off to give myself a four day weekend. It was fantastic! Thursday was fun because I spent most of the day cooking. I have been doing more cooking lately. I think I am finally accepting that I live here now. I have found more of a drive to unpack and have started to want to cook and create a home again.. I might have underestimated the level of hurt I was unable to deal with these past eight months. I am healing though and learning how to live on my own and live for myself again. Even now, that sounds so selfish to me. I have never been a person to live for myself. I have always lived for others: my sister, my close friends, and my boyfriends.

This is the opposite of most people. Most people first learn how to live for themselves and then how to live for someone else. I have always been strange in that I would rather do something to better someone else's life than to better my own. I live through them. When they are happy, I am happy; when they hurt, I hurt. This might seem like a good thing to some but it is so unpredictable being so dependent on someone else. I have started to take control of my own happiness. It's harder than I imagined but I know it will be worth it and I will become a better person for it. It's not like I want to become fully self-centered. I just need to learn how to make myself happy and be self-sufficient before I let myself fall for anyone else. So when I do fall for a man, I am able to be myself because I will be able to recognize who that is.

ANYWAYS...:) Thursday was fun because I spent the whole day making soup and homemade bread. It was the perfect day for it because St. Louis got around four inches of powder fine snow dumped on us! I LOVE SNOW DAYS!! I spent the morning shoveling the driveway and then the afternoon was full of chopping and cooking. I did manage to squeeze a movie and some Food Network in thanks to our new 60 inch Plasma TV that I can see quite clearly from the kitchen. Its AMAZING!

Friday, I ran some errands in the morning and relaxed all afternoon. Then, I went out to South County in the evening to spend some time with Katie. We had fun relaxing and talking while having some beers. I felt like I was in college again...it was nice:)

Saturday, I was a bum and spent most of the day watching TV in bed and when I finally decided to get up mid afternoon, I went to get my car fixed with Dad and rented some movies.

Today was church and learning Lightroom from a friend at church. I am learning how to edit all of my awesome photos! Hopefully, when it gets warmer I can put all of my new knowledge to good use and really get into my photography. I am hoping to be able to get a wide-angle lens before we leave for Honduras in June. I will be able to get some amazing landscape photos with a wider lens.

Tomorrow, I'll be entering another photo contest with a picture I took of my sister on Christmas day... I can't wait and hope I win!