Thursday, March 11, 2010

Lonely but ok...

I am super super super lonely and bored with my life lately... I want to be skinny and tan and have all the boys chasing me or just one super nice, cute, level-headed one... Just one super cute boy chasing me would be just fine with me... I think being single would be a lot easier and a lot more fun if I had some friends that were single or at least wanted to hang out that were close enough so we could actually hang out more than once every other month...

I love my parents and like my co-workers but seriously... My life has come down to only speaking to those at work and my parents when I am at home.  I am antsy... Everyone around me is going on with life and enjoying it for the most part and I feel like I am in a stall pattern. My sister doesn't even want to talk to me. I know that's really not true and that she is busy with school but I don't even think she can use that as an excuse. I know my sister loves me but its really sucky when I think back to my favorite people and times in my life (because I have that much time on my hands these days) and realize every single person I cherish and love to be with the most have either moved away or pushed me away. Seriously??  Do I stink? I mean I thought I smelled pretty good most of the time. And I think I am pretty funny and most of the time I am pretty fun except when I just want to be a bum at home. Even then, I am pretty amusing. 

I keep trying to amuse myself by taking up new hobbies (which I LOVE) and creating new things to do with my free time but all I really want to do is hang out with Kaiti and Katie and have things be as crazy and fun as they used to be.  However, my own sister has better friends now who she would rather live near and hang out with. Katie lives 45 min away and is engaged and busy.  All are valid excuses and maybe I am just living in the past but I need a close friend. One who cares how my day was. One to cheer me up when I feel like crap (one thing I am working on not feeling).  I just think its pathetic for me to have no one to call when I get off work to hang out with if I don't feel like going home. Or someone to tell me to get off my ASS and stop feeding my face because I have a goal in mind. I am trying to be my own best friend and it works sometimes but I am an enabler for myself... I enable myself to sit on my butt and be lazy for an entire day. I enable myself to feel like I have no one. I know I am not a loser.  I am just so BORED!!

I need a new job. One that will make me enough money so I can move out.  I would even settle with a job in another town just so I could start over... I want to go to work feeling good about the work I am doing. I think the time I most felt like this was with the coffee shop. I am good at pleasing people with food.  I'm not sure how I could make that work now but its a good goal someday...

As this first year without Ryan comes to a close, I am actually doing alright. I am lonely because I don't have any friends but I feel ok when I talk to him. I miss Jasmine everyday and I keep her pictures at my desk as a constant reminder of what I initially made this move for.. to better our life...but now it is to better mine so someday when she is older she can have a good strong female role model she can look up to and come see... I am now more like her Aunt Meggie instead of her Meggie momma but I am ok with that because we are still buddies. 

Overall, I am ok. I need to stay focused on my weight loss and stop giving into whatever looks good in front of me. I think its because I am so bored and the way I have always coped with being bored and unsatisfied is to eat and satisfy myself that way. Its not an excuse but it is an explanation.  I have been going to the gym at least twice a week which isn't as much as I'd like but its a great routine I've started. Now that I am working ten hour days, it is hard for me to get into a new routine of going after work. I have Wednesdays and Saturdays and Sundays off now, which I have been utilizing to work out and relax but I have yet to go after work at 6:30.  I need to find a good routine so I can jump start the losing weight again.  I would like to lose 15 lbs before May 1st (which is Katie and Joe's Wedding Day!!)... I can make it happen; I just need to stay FOCUSED....

Does anyone want to be my friend??? :) I sound pathetic... oh well, at least I am learning a lot through books...

Friday, March 5, 2010

Mini FreakOUT!!

So I was just testing out my camera and what lens I wanted to use and had a mini freakout b/c my 50mm 1.4 lens wouldn’t work on my Pentax K20D… After a little panicked research on google, I found out my lens was not in auto mode… THANK THE LORD that was all that was wrong!! So thank you Pentax message boards for not allowing me to cry over a broken lens… I learn something new everyday!!!

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