Saturday, May 30, 2009


That is the best word for the emotions shared between us today.. Today, I am officially moved out of his house...

Today, I tried to play happy and nice and what I got in return was cold and bitterness... I didn't do this to us, he did.... I did everything I possibly could to make the best of an uncomfortable but workable situation, he gave up before he even gave it a chance... The excuse he has been telling everyone on why we are no longer together is that I moved away and we grew apart... That is a lie; it has only been a month. The reason we are no longer together is because he gave up on me and didn't love me the way he said he should after three years... at least that's what I heard from his mouth. I even respected his decision because if that's how he feels then I can't do anything to change that. I've tried.

Today, I felt like a stranger to him. I felt like the last three years were nothing to him. He made me feel like had done something wrong, like I was the one who broke his heart. He has told me so many conflicting things that I don't even know what to believe anymore. First, he tells me he loves me more than I could ever know. Then, he tells me I was the one who ruined our perfect life we were planning. Now, he tells me he has never felt a spark with me and has tried to force himself to for three years because he knows he should feel that way about me... I know I should feel relieved he is no longer my concern but how do you go from loving someone so much to acting like you don't give a shit about them?

Today, he made me feel like nothing better than the dirt on the ground. His goodbye words were thanks for everything... I've given everything I had and everything I was for a fleeting smile, a hug, and thanks for everything.... I really don't know what I expected from today or why I'm so upset now when I have been fine all week. I guess I expected him to be humble and apologetic but he was arrogant and pissy. To make myself feel better, I will believe that is his defense system but in all honesty, TODAY SUCKED! I am just hurt to know I have spent three years with someone who today made me feel like a stranger. I just want this nightmare to end. God, please send me someone who won't take back their "I love you". Twice this has happened to me by someone I spent years trying to please, and I can't do it again.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

It is finished...

How does your life go from being exactly the way you want it to falling down around you and all you can do is watch the pieces crumble? I feel like I am in a movie and in the matter of a month my security, my love, my everything is gone... How do things get like this? I am so sad and alone... I have lost my best friend, my boyfriend, my kid... and I can do nothing about it. I can't make someone love me. I have done everything I could to make this work. Why doesn't anyone love me? Why is this happening again? I do everything right, but in the end he doesn't love me the way he should. Maybe I need to not care so much and treat a guy like shit so he will chase me instead of hurt me... I am just so incredibly hurt and I can't do anything about it... I give up...Maybe I'm just not meant to be loved. I give too much of myself and in the end I am left with nothing because there is nothing left; and it always ends.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I have too much time...

I have nothing new going on since yesterday except I am really really bored tonight and miss my family. I am trying to accept the direction God has put my life in and trying to understand the things out of my control right now. I am praying for a solution to my present dilemmas. Its amazing to me how close I was to everything I had dreamed of since I was a little girl and now how far away it seems. I could be over exaggerating this situation but it feels like my dream that was so tangible a month ago now is out of reach. I know I am loved but I am trying to understand how taking a step back can help us move forward. I just want to get married and buy a house and start the newest addition to our family. I actually had started to dream of that being within a year or so but now that I have to work two hours away and come back on the weekends, I have to face the fact that it might possibly be never. The worse part is I trusted completely and now feel betrayed because this wave crashed me down unexpectedly. The only thing I can do now is pray. Pray for wisdom. Pray for patience. Pray for understanding from both sides.

Ecclesiastes 7:8

8 The end of a matter is better than its beginning,
and patience is better than pride.

2 Corinthians 6:4-6

4Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; 5in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; 6in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love;

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

My Upside Down Life

Goodness what a week it has been and its only Tuesday. I never thought it would be this hard moving and starting a new chapter in my life. I feel like I am in a job that pays really well but I have a hole in my heart where Ryan and Jasmine are absent during the week. I knew it would be hard to be away from them but never thought how upside down it was going to turn my life. I am sad all the time. I am lucky my job is fairly easy because otherwise I would be in trouble. My evenings are spent alone in my room. I started my walks this week and next week I will begin my hard workouts but other than that the only thing that gets me through the day is knowing I will be back where I feel safe on the weekend. I am not supposed to talk about certain topics but all I can say is that its certainly not getting any easier to concentrate on my work being so distant. I feel like half of me is missing. I have suffered the loss of a relationship before but never felt this strange. I have never had to know things are meant to work and have them out of my reach to fix. I can't fix this and its killing me because I know I need this job to pay off my bills but on the other hand I need my family too. I need my support system and they aren't here. I am just sad and want this pain to stop. I am so homesick its ridiculous. Please keep praying for things to get better.