Tuesday, December 14, 2010


Usually, the word overwhelmed has a bad connotation, but right now, this word best describes everything amazing and good that is going on in my life right now. If I were looking in at my life from someone else's point of view, I would probably think I was crazy for not feeling something other than joy.  I have so much going on that could scare me and shut me down.  I never imagined I would be this blessed all at once.

I start back to school in January for a career that I pray I will be able to master. I am afraid I will not be able to overcome passing out at the sight of a bad injury/blood. I am afraid I will waste more money and time in school and not be able to excel.  Even though I am afraid of all of these things, I am still EXCITED about going back to school to learn how to care for the sick.

In January, I will also be learning a new job. Our team will be under a new segment and this is both scary and exciting as well. This new segment offers a LOT of new potential for growth.  If things work out like I hope, I will be starting school as well as starting a new job. I hope this will mean a significant raise as well.

Saving the best for last.... I am completely, head over heels in love. I am unable to comprehend how this has happened so fast and it should scare me.  I have never felt so comfortable being myself with someone. This man loves me for me and that completely amazes me.  All of my life, I have been holding a mask for each man I have dated.  I have molded myself to be what they need. I sacrificed what I needed to make them happy and I have been hurt and have hurt myself in the process.

Dustin is completely different.

We accept each other exactly as we are. He is passionate and caring.  Best of all, he has a great love for God that I have been searching for in a man. He holds me accountable and I support him. All of my friends are probably sick of hearing about him, because I can not express enough how happy I am.  I just pray now that God will continue to show us His will for our lives and help us follow the path He has laid out for us.

With all of these things going on in my life, I am completely overwhelmed. God does not want us to become comfortable but to constantly be challenged because as long as we are challenged, we are growing.  I am so thankful God has let me find this place where I am challenged and insanely happy at the same time.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


The past two months have been so busy and I thought after October my life would slow down a little but it seems to be picking up speed.  Between work, my photography, friends and family, I have been very sleep deprived but happy!  It's funny how you think you have far too much on your plate but somehow find time for more...

On that same subject, I have a new boyfriend. He is amazing. I really can not describe how this all happened. All I know is he is a gift from God. I have asked for a man that accepts me just as I am. One who tells me I am beautiful and looks me in the eye and I know he is telling me the truth. I have asked for a man who is open and honest and likes affection. A giver and a taker. I have only been seeing Dustin for around 2 weeks but thus far, he is all of these things and more. His passion for the Lord is overflowing which inspires and motivates me to reach higher. I had become lax in my motivation for reading my bible and praying and not only because of him but because I want to know for certain this is right, I have been praying and looking to God for guidance in a way I haven't in a LONG time. 

I feel God's hand on this and I can feel Him working in my life.  It has all happened so fast and all at once. I am starting back to nursing school in Jan. Dustin has swept me off my feet. I have an amazing group of friends I can whole heartedly say I would do anything for and trust that they would do the same for me. I have FINALLY started to lose some more weight.My sister has a new, great job and our relationship is growing again. 

So is it wrong that I am waiting for the ceiling to fall in? Last year was so hard. So much loss in our family and so much loss in my life. I feel like I am afraid to move sometimes in fear that something might shift just enough to make everything crumble.  It reminds me of when I was little and I would hear my mom yell at me to do something but I would sit as still and quietly as I could, hoping she would simply forget about what she had just yelled and move on to someone else. I feel like if I stay quiet and don't move too much, things will stay happy.

I am just trying not to dwell in that fear and enjoy what I have in front of me. I am trying to build my life in Christ and know that He is my strong foundation and if I am still and quiet and continue to follow the path He has laid out before me, I will be ok and someday that fear will disappear and I will accept that God has given me this amazing life to live in happiness and I no longer have to fear the storm.

Friday, October 22, 2010


Things have been super busy lately! Last weekend, Chicago was awesome! Had so much fun visiting Megan and hanging out with Michelle and Alex.  We went out and got a little crazy:)

This weekend is no less busy! Tonight, I am babysitting the Russian babies. Tomorrow, I am running my first 5K EVER! I am nervous but only because I went on a 2.3 mile walk/run yesterday and now my left hip is really sore. Hopefully, I'll work through it today and feel all better for tomorrow. Then, tomorrow after the 5K, I am going to lunch with Katie, Mollie, and Kaiti.  After that, I am supposed to be going to Mark and Carolyn's, who I will be housesitting for starting on Sunday, to get a run down of the furry children routine! Church is after that, and then I am heading out with my sister to Wentzville to her friend's house for an Octoberfest celebration!


Tuesday, October 12, 2010

In love with life...

So I have been really bad about this posting frequently thing. I am going to try to make more of an effort. Mostly because I feel that its a way for me to express myself in a way sometimes I feel I lack.
Look how cute Jenny is!

The whole group getting ready to go zip-lining!

Meg & Michelle!

Haley, the Rockstar!

Our Campsite
 October has been CRAZY busy! I love every second of it though. I am going to be VERY broke by the end of the month but I am really enjoying myself! Last weekend, my small group, B. I. T. E., went camping and zip-lining. It was so much fun!! Our group is growing in numbers and in our faith.  I can feel the Holy Spirit working in and through us. We have started meeting in my parents' house and everyone seems to enjoy it here. To check out what we are discussing and doing, go check out our blog *HERE*.

This weekend I am going to Chicago for Megan's birthday!  Michelle, Alex, and I will be driving up on Thursday and coming back on Saturday. Hopefully, I will get a bunch of awesome pictures and will post them on Sunday.  Please pray for a safe (and fun!) trip.

Also, please pray for those who have lost loved ones recently. My friends have lost so many people close to them recently.

Katie & Mollie have lost their 20 year old cousin, Josh Passiglia, to a car accident which also killed a mother of three.
Chris lost his friend to a skydiving accident.
Megan's friend from high school passed away in a motorcycle accident.
Ryan's 5 year old cousin was hit by a car and killed.

So much young life has been lost recently. Please keep all of their families and friends in your prayers.  Death is hard enough to deal with at a ripe old age, but it is even more tragic when someone who hasn't yet experience all of life's joy is taken prematurely.



OH and one more pic!
Put this picture up to show off embarrass my new friend, Dustin. Doesn't he look like a model?? ;)

Monday, July 26, 2010

Confused and Determined

I'm usually pretty out there with my feelings on here but I don't know what to write tonight... Things that I thought were done and gone are creeping up in my head again and I don't know how I feel about that... I can't forget what has happened but I also don't know why I can't just write it off either. Oh well, I'm not in a place where I can move out and be on my own and I don't think my parents' house is a good place for me to start a new relationship either. SO I think it will be another year or so unless God has other plans for my life.

HOWEVER! I am determined to maintain this exercise routine. I am awesome at starting a routine and change but stink at keeping up with it for the long haul. Its time though. Softball really has jump started this because I had a baseline fitness level to judge myself on and I really realize how far I have fallen. I know I can do this because I was once at that fitness level and I know what it takes to get back to where I was.

I'm awesome and I have so much more confidence now than I've had in a while. I still have my doubts but I know where I am going and who is leading me there:)

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Trying to Find My Routine...

Things have been so crazy busy for me already this summer! I can not believe today is July 1st!! Already... I have my first engagement shoot tomorrow! Super excited about that. I did my first maternity shoot last Sunday and it turned out sooo GOOD! I will try to get some pictures posted soon.

Small group is up and running! We will be having a new blog roll out soon if you want to join to see what we are talking about and how God is working in our lives. We have an amazing group of people and I look forward to getting to know everyone better.

I am officially losing weight again! I realized its been a year since I moved home and in this past year I have lost 14lbs.. ONLY 14lbs but it is progress. I am going to try to kickstart that within the next few weeks by getting back on a routine of working out after getting off work at 4:30pm. I have been working 4 ten-hour days which was nice for the extra day off but not so nice for my workout schedule... not enough time in the evening and I have proven I am not a morning workout person:)  So hopefully, working out with my Small Group on Sundays and my new schedule will open up my possiblities for workout time....

For now, I will leave you with a few pictures from my recent trip back to Honduras:)

Climbed a mountain and was rewarded with this view!

Some of my friends I hadn't seen in a couple of years!

The fearless boy who prayed in front of the whole class...

Me, playing with the kiddos...

Our VBS team leading a group of 250+ children!

The Amazing VBS team who taught a TON of children the word and spirit of God!

The happiest little man who received a new wheelchair!

The beautiful view on our bumpy bus ride every morning!

Our Whole Team!

Monday, April 19, 2010


It really is amazing what can change in a month! A month ago, I posted how lonely and bored I was and after posting it and reading it a couple of times and praying about the things that needed changing in my life, I started doing something about it. I am SOOO busy now!

My schedule is getting a little ridiculous with small group, photo sessions, work, and trying to squeeze a bit of a social life in there!  Every weekend from now until the middle of May is busy with something! This coming weekend, I have water purification training for Honduras and the weekend after that is INSANE with Katie and Joe's wedding and Erica's baby shower!  I am hoping after that weekend it will calm down some and I can have Jasmine come up and go to the Zoo with me and have some girl time:) I can't wait!! Before I know it, June will be here and I'll be on my way to Honduras! Super excited!!!

Yes, my life has gotten crazy but this is what I prayed for and in one short month, God has filled my calendar with friends and family and I am loving every second!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


It's official! I am in love with photography... all kinds...  and I had the best time at Kristen and David's wedding!  They are so in love and truly best friends and it is evident in every glance.  I had such a great time assisting at this wedding and felt privileged that they allowed me to add their photos to my portfolio. Enjoy!

 (this one is crying for my watermark)

Aren't they so cute? I thought so. Thank you Kristen and Dave for allowing me to be a part of your day:)

Friday, April 9, 2010


I have so many creative people in my life and I like to think I am one of them;) Today, I posted a simple plea for some help brainstorming names for my new photography business.. I have such a great facebook community of fun creative people and have thus far come up with some AMAZING prospects! I am super excited since I am really trying to dive head first into my art since all winter  I feel like I have been slowing dragging my heels for some reason.  I just figure God has a plan and I am trying to listen and follow obediently. 

Tomorrow, I am assisting another wedding photographer with my second wedding ever.  My first wedding was such a blast that I really want to go at it again. I was EXHAUSTED after the first full day of wedding photos but it was so worth it to realize that my "pretty pictures" have turned into such a passion for me.  I was just asked to assist yesterday so hopefully I will have permission to use these photographs in my marketing material and on here as well so everyone can get a glimpse at why I have been so excited.  I am always hesitant to post a picture unless I know that person well and know they won't care or unless I have their stated and sometimes written permission. As you can see, I have been a bit cowardly about the latter statement because you all have seen a lot of the same people.  I am hoping to change that soon!

And Sunday, we are kicking off our new small group at Morning Star Church for those of us who were Born In The Eighties (appropriately named B.I.T.E. by Alex, one of our awesomely creative members) with a kickball game. I thought that was fitting seeing as it is a "kick-off" event;) ... haha well anyway, it should be fun... and then after I am finished with that, I am going to my friend Ashleigh's new house to brainstorm some names for my business and hopefully start working on my new logo and watermark! YAY!!!

Well, I am off to bed for now. I am hoping this inspiration and motivation will continue through the next couple of months and catapult my new photography business into existence!

'night. 'night;)

Monday, April 5, 2010

Two posts in ONE DAY!!!

Crazy, I know! I am at work chillin' and waiting another hour to get off but I thought I would write more than just a little picture post today. I have finally signed up for an official class thanks to my parents and my birthday present! I am so excited because I will be getting a flash in the mail soon and my class starts in May. I need to start putting my portfolio together so I have something to show off when someone asks to see a sample of my work.  I have been learning so much from other photographers' blogs and photography websites. I can't believe the wealth of information I have gotten off the internet.

I also have a job interview with a local hospital in their wellness department in about a week.  I can't wait but I am nervous because its actually in my field and I haven't worked in my field for a year and a half now. All prayers are welcome because this will be a great opportunity for me. I am also looking within my current company as well. I need more money so I can pay off my debt and move into my own house. It is time for me to grow up and be an adult:) 

That's all for now. Nothing that awesome going on but my life is looking up:)

Sun is Shining and things are good...

Hello friends.. its been a little bit since I have updated this and so I am gonna take a little time and show you some new pictures I have taken recently. These are from a couple of weeks ago in Cape.  We have had some beautiful weather lately and so I have been in photo heaven!! This past weekend was Easter so my sister was in town. I love having her around even though she was grumpy most of the time:) 

Anyway, more updates and pictures to come....

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Lonely but ok...

I am super super super lonely and bored with my life lately... I want to be skinny and tan and have all the boys chasing me or just one super nice, cute, level-headed one... Just one super cute boy chasing me would be just fine with me... I think being single would be a lot easier and a lot more fun if I had some friends that were single or at least wanted to hang out that were close enough so we could actually hang out more than once every other month...

I love my parents and like my co-workers but seriously... My life has come down to only speaking to those at work and my parents when I am at home.  I am antsy... Everyone around me is going on with life and enjoying it for the most part and I feel like I am in a stall pattern. My sister doesn't even want to talk to me. I know that's really not true and that she is busy with school but I don't even think she can use that as an excuse. I know my sister loves me but its really sucky when I think back to my favorite people and times in my life (because I have that much time on my hands these days) and realize every single person I cherish and love to be with the most have either moved away or pushed me away. Seriously??  Do I stink? I mean I thought I smelled pretty good most of the time. And I think I am pretty funny and most of the time I am pretty fun except when I just want to be a bum at home. Even then, I am pretty amusing. 

I keep trying to amuse myself by taking up new hobbies (which I LOVE) and creating new things to do with my free time but all I really want to do is hang out with Kaiti and Katie and have things be as crazy and fun as they used to be.  However, my own sister has better friends now who she would rather live near and hang out with. Katie lives 45 min away and is engaged and busy.  All are valid excuses and maybe I am just living in the past but I need a close friend. One who cares how my day was. One to cheer me up when I feel like crap (one thing I am working on not feeling).  I just think its pathetic for me to have no one to call when I get off work to hang out with if I don't feel like going home. Or someone to tell me to get off my ASS and stop feeding my face because I have a goal in mind. I am trying to be my own best friend and it works sometimes but I am an enabler for myself... I enable myself to sit on my butt and be lazy for an entire day. I enable myself to feel like I have no one. I know I am not a loser.  I am just so BORED!!

I need a new job. One that will make me enough money so I can move out.  I would even settle with a job in another town just so I could start over... I want to go to work feeling good about the work I am doing. I think the time I most felt like this was with the coffee shop. I am good at pleasing people with food.  I'm not sure how I could make that work now but its a good goal someday...

As this first year without Ryan comes to a close, I am actually doing alright. I am lonely because I don't have any friends but I feel ok when I talk to him. I miss Jasmine everyday and I keep her pictures at my desk as a constant reminder of what I initially made this move for.. to better our life...but now it is to better mine so someday when she is older she can have a good strong female role model she can look up to and come see... I am now more like her Aunt Meggie instead of her Meggie momma but I am ok with that because we are still buddies. 

Overall, I am ok. I need to stay focused on my weight loss and stop giving into whatever looks good in front of me. I think its because I am so bored and the way I have always coped with being bored and unsatisfied is to eat and satisfy myself that way. Its not an excuse but it is an explanation.  I have been going to the gym at least twice a week which isn't as much as I'd like but its a great routine I've started. Now that I am working ten hour days, it is hard for me to get into a new routine of going after work. I have Wednesdays and Saturdays and Sundays off now, which I have been utilizing to work out and relax but I have yet to go after work at 6:30.  I need to find a good routine so I can jump start the losing weight again.  I would like to lose 15 lbs before May 1st (which is Katie and Joe's Wedding Day!!)... I can make it happen; I just need to stay FOCUSED....

Does anyone want to be my friend??? :) I sound pathetic... oh well, at least I am learning a lot through books...

Friday, March 5, 2010

Mini FreakOUT!!

So I was just testing out my camera and what lens I wanted to use and had a mini freakout b/c my 50mm 1.4 lens wouldn’t work on my Pentax K20D… After a little panicked research on google, I found out my lens was not in auto mode… THANK THE LORD that was all that was wrong!! So thank you Pentax message boards for not allowing me to cry over a broken lens… I learn something new everyday!!!

Friday, February 26, 2010

I have to get this out...

So I kind of want to scream after the dream I just had... and since I am at work and can't do that I have to write this out really quick because it is really eating at me...

So I had a dream last night, actually early this AM and once again it had him in it. I have come to expect dreams involving him anytime I hear from him or see him. That isn't the part that was disturbing. This particular dream was more like a nightmare... I always thought him and I would have a baby. We would have had beautiful babies but that is besides the point.  In my dream I was in a hotel room, pregnant, and he was the father though we weren't together anymore. He was with Megan.  Why it had to be someone with my name I still don't know but he was with her and we both were pregnant.  Well, it turns out we were due around the same time and he chose to be with her.  Anyway, I was in this hotel room with my family when I went into labor and had this very tiny premature baby. When they handed her to me, (yes, I had a daughter) she was so tiny and scalding hot to the touch. The second they laid her in my arms she stopped crying and I felt every muscle in her body relax.. This dream felt REAL.. I named her Tessa. Anyway, I took a picture of her and sent it to him and got no response from him.

Well, in dreams time is never accurate, and I showed up at their door with Tessa (she was now walking), and he acted like I was a stranger and the world started to crumble, literally, and instead of being concerned with us all he cared about was Megan and her child and Jasmine...

WHAT THE HECK??? My mind is freaking irritating... Needless to say when I woke up I was confused and hurt again. I don't sit around and worry over him but apparently I have buried the hurt and feelings inside and they come out in dreams.

One good thing is that I have been thinking about baby names lately... NO I AM NOT PREGNANT... and I really like the name Tessa Leigh or Tessa Lynn... So one good thing out of that horrific dream was that I had a daughter and she was beautiful...

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


I was blessed by a snow day today.. I have been hearing about all of this blizzard weather on the East Coast and it makes me wish I still lived there... Yes, I am a little crazy for missing the East for the massive snows, but I just love it so much.  I also miss my family there and I feel like I am missing out on getting to know each and everyone of them on a more personal level. I know family is family and they will be there to take me in when I visit but I wish I was able to develop a deeper level of relationship with them. I admire the people they are and feel so far away. This is probably more because I have lost so many family members within the past couple of years and I wish I would have had the chance to know them better.  I treasure the moments I had but it just seems like there just weren't enough.

Anyways, I don't want to be Debbie Downer:) I just enjoyed my snow day at home and finally got my camera out after several weeks of not picking it up. How am I supposed to keep learning and improving if I don't practice... Practice makes perfect!!! :) haha.. At least that's what my Dad always said.

I love how snow brings me back to the feelings of the holidays. All of that excitement... and I started cleaning up my room and organizing when I realized this guy was still out.. I just can't put him away for the year just yet...

Well here are some other pictures I took today outside.. It was soooo cold out!


 I have seen some improvement in my photography since I first started back in Oct. I am noticing the things I want to be in focus are and I don't have as many blurry shots. I still need to work on the head space and composition of my photos  (instead of having to go back and edit a lot of that out) but overall, I can tell I am doing better. I would really like to take a formal class sometime soon but all of the ones at the community college start on the normal schedule and they don't have just regular continuing ed classes. The classes offered at the place I got my camera are good but are only one hour classes and I don't think I learn well and retain what I have learned when its all thrown at me at once. I would love to find a college type class where there are assignments and hands on lectures and feedback. If you know of anything in the STL area please let me know... not that I have that many readers yet:)

And finally, this last picture reminds me of how I have felt lately.. I am the leaf frozen in time waiting for my life to defrost and start flowing again...