So recently I have been thinking a lot. A lot about my future; where I am going in life. In order to look at your future, though, you have to evaluate the path that has led to the present, in order to get to your future. I have been particularly concentrating on my relationships; the good, the bad, and the ugly.
One theme has remained the same; I was a significant part of their life. I was “one of the great” girls that formed their idea of what they will eventually end up with. The key word in that being was. I am a past, a no longer. Most of the men in my past, long after ending our relationship, have had a conversation with me that involved saying how fantastic I was and how I was one of the most important relationships in their life, and yet I am still the one standing alone. How is it that I am/was so fantastic and awesome but I still am ALONE?
I have even gone as far to look at myself and wonder what I have done wrong in EACH and EVERY single relationship. I am happy to say I have improved over time, and as of the most recent relationship I feel I could not have done anything else to save it. I did almost everything right and it still wasn’t enough.
So what is the purpose of all of this? Why even try? I have tried giving up. I have tried giving it all I have. I don’t really know what is wrong with me. I have tried being a good girl like I was taught to be. I have tried being the girl who “guys want girls to be”. I know what is right and wrong and ultimately I am TIRED. I am tired and hurt and alone. I am tired of being who everyone else wants me to be. I just want to be myself and finally have a man look at me and, despite all of my weirdness, say, “She is the single greatest thing in my life.” She is the ONE. I want him to say that and mean it with all of his heart. I am tired of lies. I am tired of seeing what other people have and longing for it.
I sound so pathetic and weak.
I feel a wall building around me and I am afraid it will get too high for anyone else to see my heart and know how much love is there to share. I am just afraid another hurt like the last will break me forever and I don’t want to be bitter. I try to be optimistic but this is crushing me little by little. All around me my friends are getting engaged and married and having babies. I am so unbelievably happy for them but I felt that was so close I could taste it six months ago and now it’s a far off dream. I am trying to be strong and act like seeing them and everyone be so happy and in love isn’t killing me but it is a little.