Blah...

That's the way I am feeling lately... I need a new direction. I am soo bored with my job. I know I am meant for more than this. I just need lots of prayers for the right direction and how to get on the right path. Thanks. That's all for now, GOODNIGHT! I will have more to write soon hopefully! Once I get out of this rut I will be taking more pictures to post as well...

Best Face Photo

This week's photo challenge at http://www.iheartfaces.com/ is my most recent "best face photo"... It just so happens that on Christmas day, I took my sister out in the blistering cold to get some beautiful pictures. She is so photogenic and was a wonderful subject. This one was right before we ventured out into the cold while primping in the bathroom...

Now, go check out all of the other entries in this week's contest at...

Long weekend

Have you ever taken days off for no reason? I did that this week and took Thursday and Friday off to give myself a four day weekend. It was fantastic! Thursday was fun because I spent most of the day cooking. I have been doing more cooking lately. I think I am finally accepting that I live here now. I have found more of a drive to unpack and have started to want to cook and create a home again.. I might have underestimated the level of hurt I was unable to deal with these past eight months. I am healing though and learning how to live on my own and live for myself again. Even now, that sounds so selfish to me. I have never been a person to live for myself. I have always lived for others: my sister, my close friends, and my boyfriends.

This is the opposite of most people. Most people first learn how to live for themselves and then how to live for someone else. I have always been strange in that I would rather do something to better someone else's life than to better my own. I live through them. When they are happy, I am happy; when they hurt, I hurt. This might seem like a good thing to some but it is so unpredictable being so dependent on someone else. I have started to take control of my own happiness. It's harder than I imagined but I know it will be worth it and I will become a better person for it. It's not like I want to become fully self-centered. I just need to learn how to make myself happy and be self-sufficient before I let myself fall for anyone else. So when I do fall for a man, I am able to be myself because I will be able to recognize who that is.

ANYWAYS...:) Thursday was fun because I spent the whole day making soup and homemade bread. It was the perfect day for it because St. Louis got around four inches of powder fine snow dumped on us! I LOVE SNOW DAYS!! I spent the morning shoveling the driveway and then the afternoon was full of chopping and cooking. I did manage to squeeze a movie and some Food Network in thanks to our new 60 inch Plasma TV that I can see quite clearly from the kitchen. Its AMAZING!

Friday, I ran some errands in the morning and relaxed all afternoon. Then, I went out to South County in the evening to spend some time with Katie. We had fun relaxing and talking while having some beers. I felt like I was in college again...it was nice:)

Saturday, I was a bum and spent most of the day watching TV in bed and when I finally decided to get up mid afternoon, I went to get my car fixed with Dad and rented some movies.

Today was church and learning Lightroom from a friend at church. I am learning how to edit all of my awesome photos! Hopefully, when it gets warmer I can put all of my new knowledge to good use and really get into my photography. I am hoping to be able to get a wide-angle lens before we leave for Honduras in June. I will be able to get some amazing landscape photos with a wider lens.

Tomorrow, I'll be entering another photo contest with a picture I took of my sister on Christmas day... I can't wait and hope I win!

Bringing in the New Year Right!

New Year’s Resolutions for 2010

1. Pay off 3 of my credit cards and close them!
a. American Eagle
b. Victoria’s Secret
c. Old Navy
2. Stick to STRICT Budget
a. Take out $200 in cash each month and do not use debit card!
b. Start a savings account in March with leftover funds($200-$300)
3. Eat healthier
a. Grocery shop once a week for breakfast/lunch food
b. Avoid fast food/ soda
4. Work out at least 3 days per week
a. Aim for more than 3 days
i. Mon & Wed: Cardio
ii. Tues & Thurs: Strength Train!!
iii. Saturday: BOTH
b. Keep track of calories burned on spreadsheet
5. Lose weight
a. Lose 30lbs by June 1st, 2010.
i. Starting Weight: 206; Goal Weight: 176
1. Approx 5lbs per month; 1.25lbs per week
b. Lose 50lbs by January 1st, 2011.
i. Starting Weight: 206; Goal Weight: 156
1. Approx 4.2lbs per month; 1.1lbs per week
6. Read more!
a. Aim for one book a month
b. Read Bible at least once a week; one book per month
7. Keep room neat and organized
a. Laundry once/week
b. Dust once every other week
c. Vacuum once a week
d. Clean litter box twice a week
e. Clean bathroom once a week

Hilarious Outtakes

I love this week's I♥Faces contest(www.iheartfaces.com), Hilarious Outtakes. I have so many photos of my favorite people that are crazy and silly and I am so happy to finally have a chance to use them! So this is my official entry in this week's contest...


My beautiful sister Kaitlyn acting her usual silly self on Christmas day in the snow...

One of my fun babysitting nights with Carly and her siblings... (things can get a little crazy)

Gracie has some of the cutest dimples I have ever seen!

Jasmine is one of my favorite little people. We always have an awesome time together and she loves making me laugh; which is why I love these next two pictures so much...

AND...
(i'm not sure what she is doing because I told her to look at me and smile and she came up with this pose on her own...haha that's why I love her)

Rough time lately...

So recently I have been thinking a lot. A lot about my future; where I am going in life. In order to look at your future, though, you have to evaluate the path that has led to the present, in order to get to your future. I have been particularly concentrating on my relationships; the good, the bad, and the ugly.

One theme has remained the same; I was a significant part of their life. I was “one of the great” girls that formed their idea of what they will eventually end up with. The key word in that being was. I am a past, a no longer. Most of the men in my past, long after ending our relationship, have had a conversation with me that involved saying how fantastic I was and how I was one of the most important relationships in their life, and yet I am still the one standing alone. How is it that I am/was so fantastic and awesome but I still am ALONE?

I have even gone as far to look at myself and wonder what I have done wrong in EACH and EVERY single relationship. I am happy to say I have improved over time, and as of the most recent relationship I feel I could not have done anything else to save it. I did almost everything right and it still wasn’t enough.

So what is the purpose of all of this? Why even try? I have tried giving up. I have tried giving it all I have. I don’t really know what is wrong with me. I have tried being a good girl like I was taught to be. I have tried being the girl who “guys want girls to be”. I know what is right and wrong and ultimately I am TIRED. I am tired and hurt and alone. I am tired of being who everyone else wants me to be. I just want to be myself and finally have a man look at me and, despite all of my weirdness, say, “She is the single greatest thing in my life.” She is the ONE. I want him to say that and mean it with all of his heart. I am tired of lies. I am tired of seeing what other people have and longing for it.

I sound so pathetic and weak.

I feel a wall building around me and I am afraid it will get too high for anyone else to see my heart and know how much love is there to share. I am just afraid another hurt like the last will break me forever and I don’t want to be bitter. I try to be optimistic but this is crushing me little by little. All around me my friends are getting engaged and married and having babies. I am so unbelievably happy for them but I felt that was so close I could taste it six months ago and now it’s a far off dream. I am trying to be strong and act like seeing them and everyone be so happy and in love isn’t killing me but it is a little.

Update time...

Its been a while since I have posted anything and so I thought I would get on here and give an update on my life... I don't have many readers but this is good for me to get it out so...here it goes:)

Well, work is the same.. boring as always. I wish I had the resources and client base to my photography full time. I am still learning though. I wish I could go back to school for this. I have always known I love photography but I never considered it for a career until now. I love capturing something other people look at and say "wow!" :)

My love life is also the same... I long for someone to call mine and who wants to call me his.. I want someone who has chosen me to wrap their arms around me and look me in the eyes and without a word, I'll know I am never going to be alone again... I am living in a dream world though and life is not a fairy tale...