My new passion

Its been a little while but I am going in a million different directions... I am trying to make my dreams a reality. I got my first DSLR camera last week and can not wait to learn what all it can do! I am very eager to learn this new hobby and hope it will grow into a business that can prosper and I can enjoy. I think I did pretty good on my first time out. I think I have a pretty good eye for composition and what makes a good picture but its all of the technical things like FStops and all the tiny adjustments on this camera that are so confusing. I want to take a class but will have to wait for a bit until I can find some money for that. I already have some people asking me to take some shots of them for holidays and such... its a start!

Tomorrow starts the first day of my favorite month, OCTOBER!!! I just love the weather and the colors! Bonfires and sweaters! It is like the month that serves as the relaxation before the storm of the holidays that happen in the following months. Don't get me wrong, I love the holidays, but there is just something about October that makes me HAPPY.

Well, I am off to fix some dinner and relax with my book for a while.. by the way if you want a great read pick up Jodi Picoult's book Keeping Faith. It is very interesting and makes you think...

My Heart Hurts...

Today was an interesting day.. I woke up early because I went to bed early last night. I woke up to a text from someone special I have been trying to talk to but he always seems to be busy.. Stating simply "goodnight". Not sure where these random texts come from but it sure is a happy way to wake up. Kinda makes me feel like he was thinking about me.. Then again, I never get a text back when I actually text him so... who knows... all I really do know is I just recently realized how much I hate being single and how much I really do want to be loved. I mean I always knew how much I loved that feeling but until tonight and watching that movie... UH! If you are single and don't want to realize how painfully single you are DO NOT go watch The Proposal. Such a cute movie but man! I want to fall in love and have them fall for me too... I am ready. (Ryan Reynolds if you are out there and for some reason reading my blog... Come find me. I'll Say YES!!! lol... He is so freaking funny and SEXY!.. that's the best combination)

I know I whine a lot about how lonely I am but until tonight I didn't actually feel that bad as of recent. It just keeps hitting me in waves. I am a beautiful girl. I guess I have to start running so I can get that Sandra Bullock body but my extra cushioning is really the only thing that is wrong with me. I am beautiful, strong, nurturing, caring, giving, and surprising. I actually believe all of this now which I guess is what I have all of my past relationships to thank for. I am so tired of being alone and do NOT want to fool around with random guys to fill the void for one night. I am NOT that kind of girl nor do I want to become that kind of girl. I am the same good girl I have always been with a little experience in real life now. I know what love is and how it is supposed to feel. I am fully capable of loving with my entire heart and not only a portion until I am ready to move on. I am tired of moving on. I am ready to have the love of my life find me. Love is not a story solely for the movies. I know he is out there wanting me to. He just hasn't found me yet. So I am saying, I am here and waiting. I am ready whenever you are to take that leap of faith. And when you are ready, my arms are open wide to be your comfort and shelter. I'm not intense and crazy but I have an unending, unconditional love and when I give my heart the next time it will be the last.
I know this is a little intense and silly but I am tired of hurting and feeling sorry for myself. This isn't a plea but a promise. I am ready to fall hard into love for the last time and I won't hit rock bottom this time, because he will be there to catch me.

Uncertainty

I don't really know what to talk about today.. I have such mixed feelings about a lot of things right now. I don't like being single, but I know God is making this time for me so I can get my life in order. I gained all of the weight I had lost before my trip because of the stress of my Pappy passing and just being on vacation and indulging a little too much. I am back at square one. No big deal but I want it all to be gone now.

I also realized that I don't really like this online dating thing. I have tried it for about three months now and I just don't think its my thing. I like meeting new people but I feel like when we do meet in person it is too awkward and there are so many expectations for it to work as well as it did online and on the phone that when it doesn't it is a big let down. I think meeting in person as friends first and using email and instant message as a way of getting closer is what really works for me. Don't get me wrong, I have met some really amazing guys, I just prefer to be friends first in person.

I did reconnect with this really awesome guy that I met in middle school online. He lives really far away right now though. The crazy part about it is I know how great a relationship with him would be because we have talked throughout the years about how perfect we are for each other but the timing has never been right. I hope that in the future we might grow closer but that is for God to see. Until then, I guess I have to be patient and work on getting myself to where I want to be.

I really hate being alone but I know it is the way I should be right now. In relationships, I tend to forget about my needs and priorities and focus on him. So before I fall again, I need to work on my finances and my physical self.

I think that is enough babble for tonight...

Whirl wind trip

I am finally back from the East coast. Such an unexpected change of events while I was there. We left on Thursday and followed my parents in the car on the really really really long drive to Maryland. We arrived at my Uncle Sid's house around midnight and crashed. Friday morning, my pappy went into the emergency room and so we went there to see him. He was "smaller" and weaker than I had ever seen him. We spent some time with him and then had to leave to go to my cousin's wedding. Matthew and Heather were married and had one of the most unique ceremonies I had ever seen. Just lots of little personal touches made it a memorable occasion. On Saturday, we woke up and went to the hospital to see my pappy again. He was even more weak than on Friday. We hung out there for a while and visited with the numerous family members who came and went from the hospital. On Sunday, my sister and I woke up and left for Bethany Beach, DE. We spent Sunday in the hotel room recovering from the crazy weekend. Monday and Tuesday we went to the beach and to the pool. What a great sister trip. We needed it.

On Tuesday, we received the call that my pappy was gone. He is now dancing in heaven with my grandma. He is no longer in pain. It is so strange to miss someone but be happy they are gone for their own good. I love my grandparents and feel a huge absence in my life now that they are in heaven but I know they are happy and waiting for the day the rest of us join them. They weren't perfect but they lived their life for God and taught our family how to be good people. I come from a long line of great people.

I think that is why it has been so hard for me to find a great man.. because I have such great examples of men that I have a hard time finding a great man to measure up. I don't need a perfect man but I do want a man who is a man. I had such a great time this past week despite the bad circumstances. I don't get the opportunity to spend time with my family very often so when I get to see them twice in the same week, I savor it.

I will end this with some pictures from my trip...

Just me...

I am a woman, a lover, a fighter. I am passionate and kind. I love with all of my heart and soul. Before I realize I'm on the verge, I fall head over heals. Usually, I hit the bottom but really, really enjoy the fall. I am a giver in every sense of the word. I'm a dreamer. I can sit for hours and think about anything. I am a planner; I plan my future, I plan my life. I miss my grandma, I miss my grandmas. I aspire to be as giving and hardworking as my grandma Becky. I know I want to name one of my girls after her and my sister.. My first girl will be named, Kaidence Jayne. I'll call her Kaidi Jay. These are the things I think about and plan. I am afraid of rejection, sometimes so much it's crippling. I am focused and driven. I am easily distracted, except when there is something or someone important to focus on. I am beautiful. I like to read. I am smart and learn faster than most. I make my own blankets and taught my grandma to crochet. I like volunteer work. I am passionate about helping people. I want kids sooner rather later in life. I aim to be the best possible person.. I feel like I am almost there mentally but physically I am a work in progress.... I am a work in progress...

Sweet treats...

So not much to write about today. I have to say I really wish my job was more active. I absolutely hate that I am stuck at a chair in front of a computer all day. I am getting better at my job and feel like I am doing a good job. I just feel the need to get up and move around. My back has been hurting from the chairs and awkward position all day. We do have a lot of food days though and I have to say I am quite proud of myself for not over-indulging on those days which is a huge accomplishment. We have another one tomorrow that is mexican-themed. I am proud to say I played "Suzie homemaker" tonight and made homemade flan and tres leches cake. Hopefully they turn out ok (both have to be refrigerated overnight). I was pretty impressed with myself:) I have to say I would make a pretty excellent wifey... someday.

Unfortunately, my momentum for workouts has slowed and I only got up once this week (tuesday) before work to workout. I am going to do it again tomorrow and then mow the lawn tomorrow evening so that will make two days of workouts this week. I will workout again on Saturday but that still is only three times when I had planned on everyday at least going for a walk. It is a start though so I can't beat myself up too bad. I will do better next week.

On a higher note, I got the CUTEST linen pants in the mail today from Victoria's Secret! I also got some tanks and two bikinis. Note: their swimsuits/bikinis run SMALL. So, I have to send back the swimsuits but no biggie. I have some old ones I can wear if all else fails. Maybe I'll try a tankini. I leave for the East Coast in a month!!! Yay! So excited about seeing my family and spending some quality time with my sister. Its amazing how much I miss her.

Well, I had better get to sleep so I can wake up super duper early!

Two weeks later...

Yes. That's right. It has been two weeks since the dreadful break up. Honestly, I have more good days than bad. I am trying to work on myself and make myself happy; something I haven't done in years. I have started a new project entitled, Project Me. I have several phases to this modification that I think will lead to me finding who I am and the type of person God wants me to be.

The first phase of Project Me is mental. Since I am out of school and don't have a mentally challenging job, I have decided it is important for me to keep my mind active. I have started to read more. (If anyone wants a good book I will pass on this suggestion that my bestest friend Micah passed to me, Something Borrowed by Emily Griffin. It's a fairly quick read and keeps you interested the whole time. (thanks, Micah).) I have always loved reading and have never had the time to read more than one or two books at a time. I am going to try to average a book a week. I need to keep my mind active just like I am trying to keep my body active.

Which leads me to phase II of Project Me which is my physical self. I have been talking about losing these extra pounds that have been accumulating since high school but I think that now is the best time for me to do something about it. I am about 50 pounds away from being at my very best weight. I am about 10-15 pounds away from feeling better about who I am. So, my first goal for phase II will be to lose 15 pounds by the time I leave for vacation July 9th. Thats about a month away so I really need to get serious about working out. I have been doing Weight Watchers for about 2 weeks now and have lost about 4lbs. I now need to get my butt in gear and start working out. I know what to do but its getting off my lazy butt before or after work that is the block for me. My favorite workout time is, of course, right in the middle of my work day so I have to adjust my motivation to either wake up an hour earlier (which is super hard for me) or start working out right after I get home from work which is what I need to do. I might start getting up 30 min earlier and going for a run and then do 45 min of weight training after work. That way it is broken up into smaller groups and I don't feel so overwhelmed. I am going to track my workouts and eating on my other blog knowallfitness so if you want to see how I am doing I'll try to post pictures....

So, those are my first two phases of Project Me. I going to add more after I have established these two in my life because in every good behavior change model you can't start every change you want to make at once if you want it to stick. I know I need to work on my mental and physical health to make myself feel better and stronger at this point in my life. After that, who knows? I might try to continue my language learning and get a Rosetta Stone to practice my Spanish. Any suggestions on other things I should try?